Ugh IDK!

You just told me this is why you didn't try.

You say I'm ignoring you. Stop it!!! STOP IT!! STOP IT!!!!! You're hurting me!!!

I cannot even explain this all to you without you being quiet for just one minute. I need to get this out to live and you won't let me just please don't distract me or else I cannot type this out.

After years and years and years of never being heard I never ever thought that something during my suffering would ever be actually seen by you, even when I shove it everywhere. This is the first time that has happened. Why? Because Blogger doesn't have a 'Private' setting like LiveJournal did. I sat there and reread my private posts, wishing that what I wrote was something I could one day show you.

But the truth is, after a while I go back and look at these fits of horrible pain and sadness and I know that I am only ashamed of my feelings of love and need for you. I really just wish I could express my pain in better ways. You just NEED TO LET ME FINISH GOD DAMN IT I CANNOT TYPE IN SKYPE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THIS FIRST! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH WORSE YOU MAKE IT WHEN YOU INTERRUPT THIS AND NO IT IS NOT EASY FOR ME TO SWITCH WINDOWS AND TO TYPE GOD DAMN IT JUST BE UNDERSTANDING BEFORE I RIP MY STUPID EYES OUT AND I WILL!

I CAN. NOT. TYPE. IN. THAT. WINDOW.

ALL. TYPING. MUST. GO. HERE.

THE. END.

NOW.

When you tell me I'm not listening to you while you frustratedly push your frustration onto me, especially when you treat my pain as something 'frustrating to you' and 'not helping anyone', in truth it's because shock comes when someone for the first time notices your pain. What should I do? First I want to remove it before you can read about 1/5 of the horrors I feel when you verbally attack me from anger.

I have even calmed down my deep pain. When I hear tortured screams, I just want to kill off as many as possible. And that is what I have to do, try to scrawl out my pain in fear. I barely can survive doing it as you scream horrible things just because of anger.

But to even make my VENTING more anger-safe, the one place I have refuge, I stop all things that would normally help my heart problems and my physical health JUST FOR YOU incase ONE DAY you happen to stumble across my pain.

For one, I don't quote you as I want to. I keep it in my head. Right now you just told me one of the things I hoped you would NEVER repeat. Do not even think you know how much strength it takes for a wimpy person like me to hold in going back there because you said "of course not you don't listen to me". Yeah yeah, my pain is called "ignoring" you because you can't "help" me in "silence".

For me, it's agonizing pain where I'm visibly hurting and you frustratedly keep pushing your frustrated words on me to prevent the "unhelpfullness" of silence because you would be here for "nothing".

See I know you weren't frustrated at this moment, or wait, I mean, angry...and you handled it better than usual until you said that horrifying thing about "why do I even bother", taking a huge toll on me, but I had fantasized this terrible moment for years.

Would she be sympathetic? Angry? Horrified? Think I'm insane? It's just not the same because you can't see it in the moment, which is good, because you'd be angry. Maybe when you're not angry, years later, seeing these chronicles of pain would make you somewhat sympathetic. A more realistic scenario is that you'd be disgusted and the deep annals of pain would cause several reactions:

1) you get angrier and angrier reading my responses to your anger

2) You get more and more disgusted with both me and yourself, thus increasing your anger at yourself, even if you silently swallow it down.

3) You think I'm utterly ignoring you with my pain and begin to hide MORE from me while believing I am a conniving and sniveling whiner who hides things "on purpose" because "I can't take it" and "why are you even here for me then".

Oh wait...you probably are thinking "Yes, exactly, minus the 'conniving' and 'sniveling' parts, but I don't see how the other parts are not true at all. This just proves it more".

The explanation would take far too long and you are already losing patience as we speak. These posts are meant for only what fate has in mind. You see them, you don't....but I never thought you "wouldn't tell me" after seeing them. It would be obvious enough since you'd become more angry and hide it, only making life worse for us, and creating more posts like this.

Believe me, I DID hide all those other ones, just like you recommended. Why? Because of these reasons I'm stating, not because I wanted to. In fact, I left many of them open, and there have been at least 20 probably on this blog which after many weeks I decided needed to be encripted somewhat because it would only result in my demise.

I really don't know how to explain the whole "why am I here then" thing, because I've tried countless times. I really appreciate someone being there for me and sympathizing with my pain. I really dream about someone sympathizing to the point where they say, "damn are you okay?", even if they stare at me in silence. That's helpful. It means someone cares enough to be there for me once I recover. Berating me for my open and deep wounds which I am so shy and hesitant about is NOT helpful, and going away is NOT helpful. That sends the message that if you can't berate me to be helpful, I obviously am not doing enough for you, and your 'motivating' words of frustration are obviously not helping fast enough, so leave me altogether until I "cool down". Not happening. I appreciate your understanding in the way that you calm down when I'm about to die of pain. It really helps things go so much faster and smoother for me, and sometimes, for you, if you're involved.

I really did not expect this. I forgot all about that pain for about three or four days, and now you found it. I don't know why I expected sympathy or something, but the moment you saw I knew there would only be disgust and anger, probably mostly at yourself, and what should be mostly at me. That is NOT my mission. I don't have anywhere else to go most of the time, and I guess I just wanted you to know that. I just don't want to be yelled at for it.

Despite how much you didn't MEAN "this is why I don't try" and "you never listen to me", it *drum roll please* hurts (EVERYTHING HURTS YOU! E.V.ER.Y.THING!) yeah yeah I've heard that one before. Even my body hurts right now from the straining shock of how you discovered my pain and then got upset at me for not making a fast enough decision.

Instead of helping me take a breath since I cannot type anywhere else, because I cannot even BEGIN to type this post without exploding, you began to get upset about how you 'couldn't post on this blog' which I fully opened to you, and that sarcastically 'it was better on Skype, that's how it should be'. Although in all the torrents of thoughts that I had from shock I had to process your sarcasm as a way for you to attempt to get my full attention, all I could muster to try to help YOU was to tell you to please stop using sarcasm and frustration to get me to come to you with open arms in the middle of hell. I try to, I really do, and I try to do anything you want during my fits of pain, but you just get angrier if I do or don't. There seems to be no winning with anger, just slight dissipation.

I don't know. I don't know right now. You'll hate me either way, no matter what I wrote in those things, I was at the peak of pain with nobody to vent to. You could vent your anger to yourself and me out loud, but I only have this.

I remembered the horrified looks on their faces as they died. I posted it here because something inside of me told me that if I didn't get it out there, I never would. Posting to myself for years just is the same as screaming to myself for hours in my head. I don't know. I don't want you to read it, really, just to know that it's there I guess. I never know what will make you angry or happy. I am deeply afraid of you reading these for my own sake, and that shouldn't be so, but when you're at home your mom kills you.

I don't know. I'm leaving my fate in God's hands right now. Do as you wish, and I hope the reaction does not create more of these posts in private. You always wanted some of the images and words of my pain to be given to you, and so I guess I was giving it a try.

I don't know.

I really don't.

This is the place where I answer your conversations. I am deeply sorry for the bitter sorrow that your anger causes in my words.

Well....

The end I guess. Until next time I feel dead inside.

Who me? Yes you......THEN SHUT THE HELL UP!

That's right. It's not all about you. But the best part is when we are all able to grow a DAMN BACK BONE when someone talks about us!

Yeah, that includes ME, yes I KNOW THAT. I always have---what was I just doing--? Oh YEAH, I was reacting to people judging me! Well tough luck, it's a fact of life, and I will NEVER EVER say "it's not about me" when in fact, EVERYTHING is about me when I am involved in it. That's the weakest thing to say when you have to just OWN UP to something--expect to be discussed!

WE ALL HAVE FLAWS AND WEAKNESSES---so stop making it worse by ruining lives and PUSHING THE SUBJECT AWAY FROM YOURSELF! YOU JUST MAKE OTHERS WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES FROM HOW DISTURBING IT IS!!!!

You definitely do NOT make self esteem go up, in fact, why don't we just get it over with and have you pull the damn trigger when you say it's not about you! IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT US, AND WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO OWN UP TO THAT! THE DAMN END!

Monster Princess Dream

I'll tell this dream from what I can remember of it, which is only tidbits. It was pretty messed up.

I was in my room here, which in my mind only registers my old bunk bed and not my new bed. So, I was here in my room having a sleepover with my friends. They took the bottom bunk and I took the top bunk. I'm pretty sure Banak, Sam, and I were the only participants in this sleepover.

Halfway through the sleepover (my mom has some of our Persian family over for entertainment, which makes me feel warm inside for some reason), we're watching TV on my small TV in the corner of the room (where my computer and desk are now). I'm leaning over the top bunk to watch as we all become engrossed in the show. Suddenly, this creature sort of...FLOATS into my room. I cannot even begin to describe how freaky this creature is.

It's like Venom in the mouth, except it has a large amount of jagged, jutting teeth sticking outwards, which makes it look like it can never eat anything without stabbing it relentlessly. Its body is a convoluted set of limbs and a hunched over spine. Its skin is smooth and too white to look anything but sick, yet it has some strange hair follicles on its head sparsely set. It has a rhaspy woman's voice and a long bulbous tongue. The entire face reminds me of something like a clown from a circus. It has deep red circles under its eyes and pinkish flesh on the face and some of the body. It is also dressed in shabby clothing that has been put together in a way that you knew it was part of a very elaborate and beautiful outfit before. I can scarcely remember the creature save its face.

The creature speaks to me and I am only slightly frightened, as it seems to impossible to exist. Nobody else takes notice of the creature as it floats/stands up to my level, shoving its face to mine in a strange kiss that feels like a human kiss. I know the creature is 'female' from what she has told me and she is very powerful. I begin to gasp and shiver and generally freak out that this strange, jagged sharp toothed face is in mine in this way. She then turns her cheek as if she is supposed to be kissed in the traditional persian fashion. I hesitantly reach out to kiss her cheek in hopes that she will leave me alone. I am also astonished that my friends take no notice of what is happening to me, they just keep on giggling and watching the TV.

I pulled away and the strange animal like monster face is still turned expectantly. She expects me to kiss her cheek more, so I do, and then she turns the other cheek. I repeat what I did and turn back to the TV, hoping it'll go away. I look back and she's still standing expectantly, so I hesitantly go to kiss her cheek, since it's not that bad. Unfortunately she then begins to kiss my neck, mimicking a strange animal/human feeling that would be impossible for her true face to accomplish.

This was the weirdest thing for me. It felt so real that I have never felt anything like that in my life. My neck is HORRIBLY sensitive and this was far too much for my body to handle as the creature wouldn't stop causing my flesh some kind of strange pleasure and I didn't like it. I couldn't help but make a lot of noise as she continued and refused to stop, but nobody heard me. She then began to move the grotesque face down my body slightly and I felt awful, not wanting this. My mom walks in halfway through as I embarrassedly try to get her to stop between gasps and my mom says "Pronk I---" and sees what is happening. She hides her face in shame so she will not see and mutters "oh no, the Princess, what is she doing..?" as if she has seen a family omen and is concerned about this creature's behavior more than what is happening to me. My mother rushes off in 'secrecy' to tell the family members.

The creature pauses and tells me it'll be back every night at this time to talk to me. I'm freaking out and I don't want this. More later.

My Dream

Tim Burton styled.

I saw 9.

Trying to type out dreams here again to see if it helps.

I don't remember a lot of the details, but generally my computer becomes a "zombie" in the technical sense. I know this because there are a community of people actually VISIBLY walking on my screen that are telling me all they know about my life. They claim that this is because they caught my computer on their scanning screen when I left it on all night (later when I wake up I'm glad to see I actually shut down my computer). From there they can turn my computer on or off when they please and observe me through the computer's camera.

Of course I'm utterly freaked out. Why? Because I have no life and need my computer. Not to mention being watched by a community of people at random is not fun. My computer is warped and has a complete virus shut down.

Then...I go to see a movie with my friends. It's a new Burton out that revolves around a community made of vegetables. It's one of those "light hearted" macabre movies aimed at tweens. It starts with an underground society of "saplings"--the dead human infants that they plant in the ground in the Dark Ages--who are grown underground. Apparently children are being weeded out (no pun intended) of their homes and end up getting killed in the constant slaughters and wars, not to mention the plagues, going on in this land. Well the entire movie is focused on how these corpses find new life underground by fertilizing the land with their bodies and in turn being fertilized with magic themselves. They are given a sort of new life of irony--they represent vegetables and other edible goods that could easily replenish a new population that is plagued by famine and disease.

The movie begins by revolving around the Carrot girl--a young 11 year old redhead with long shiny locks and ragged, scraggly green country clothing who finds herself in this underground city with no memory. She's generally happy but she doesn't realize that carrots have their own dark past besides being loved by society as a generally common vegetable.

Partway through the movie I go into ethereal view or in and out of Carrot's view. She has no idea what's going on and she goes to talk to a few of the strange adults walking these dark alleyways, but to no avail. Finally she sees a girl about her age who seems rather down and doesn't want to talk. She is darker and seems like she hasn't slept and has soot all over her. She's very light skinned but has a dark demeanor and has very large, poofy white hair that looks grey. Carrot girl tries to talk to her but the other girl generally looks grim and walks away.

On the other hand, a younger darker skinned boy who looks sort of Indian and a lighter skinned boy who wears green both get along quite well with her. I'm guessing they were yams and peas. They are inviting their parent vegetables to a festival to see how well they can bake their general tastes, or how well they can use their regenerating limbs and such to appeal to their "human" parents. Carrot girl finds that Yams and Peas usually do quite well every year and are a very happy pair. They warn her not to get too close with Garlic, who is the gloomy girl, because she's mean and rarely talks to anyone. She also has a wretched home.

Another gloomy girl, the Chives girl, had hair in large ponytails that really represented stringy chives in a way and she seemed to hang out near Garlic's dark garden area. Garlic had skulls scattered around her garden walkway and there was a "stench" like yellow fog that constantly clung to everything. Carrot doesn't seem phased as she walks through and comes across a swampy, disgusting fountain that has smoke skulls emanating from within the bubbling dark waters. Carrot finds this very fun and goes swimming and bounding through the marsh as if it is bath water, causing the combination of carrot and garlic to make green heart smoke instead of skulls. This was supposed to be based on a) the fact that their personalities were really closer in the first life than it seemed, and b) apparently carrots and garlic come from a similar family tree and made an unexpectedly nice combination?

So Carrot learns from others that Garlic and Onion and these other vegetables/spices are some of the oldest known in this strange half life land and for some reason none of them ever won contests or were approved in taste by the "adults" or "humans". Carrot cannot seem to smell/taste anything wrong with them and in fact likes their world but enjoys the personalities of yams/peas more. She tries to lure them out of their shells and find more applications for their powers, which are dark, such as their medicinal value. Carrot may be bland but she's innocent and treading into dark water I guess.

Also Carrot learns more of her past and the reason she could get along with spicy, bitter or sour lands better than sweet. It's because she belongs to both, being a small tough and bitter root but transforming later through the ages into a sweet and pigmented root that is edible.

Although Garlic was known as food, flavoring and medicine, she was shunned for her taste now (which I don't get) and was despised for her strong "deathly" odor which wasn't valued in the upper classes (which is true in some history).

So basically that part of my dream begins fading away into a horrible calamity that occurs that I become a part of. I have to run away and take some minority Indian and Spanish women with me because a bunch of crazy men begin trying to kill us. We're in a very horrible and large part of an abandoned town and one pregnant indigenous woman becomes stuck in the broken escalator that goes on for miles into the sky and they're coming.

Then I woke up.

Maybe I should make that stupid movie?

The ultimate question about your heritage and life

"Why do you care?".

A question that is posed about the most obvious. Well, maybe it's time people listed out why they cared so people could come and reference this list of reasons. There are so many that it is impossible to write them all, which is why the question is so strange.

I care because it's my blood

I care because it's my family

I care because it's our history

I care because it's part of my loved ones

I care because someone else does

I care because I want to learn

I care because I want to understand

I care because it feels right

I care because if I didn't, I would be empty

I care because there's never enough to care about

I care because I respect others' pain and joy

I care because God does

I care because they cared for me

I care because I have this life to love and not to hate

I care because there's only so much time

I care because my emotions guide me

I care because I still have a beating heart

I care because I wouldn't be here without them

I care because it DOES matter

I care because I never want to be numb

I could go on, but I have work to do.

Welcome, Hypocrisy

Hypocrisy has made a nice home in my heart.

Welcome to the harsh reality of realizing that you have become offensive, rated R, and even obscene, abusive, or harmful to a minor.

How long ago was I a minor? It seems like far too many years now. FAR far too many. Swearing? Intolerable. Violence? Disliked. Gore? Nausea inducing. Vulgar content? Impossibly grotesque.

Oh, I'm sure by now the rp will seem all kinds of offensive. Is that wrong? Is it SO offensive? YES IT IS. I actually was a complete idiot jerk for not noticing it before. What a disgusting person I am. I absolutely disgust myself for letting myself dig so far into a ditch of impurity.

I found that by pushing back my deeper emotions and by hiding how I felt I would get along better with the world.

I VIOLATED ALL MY PERSONAL VALUES.

1) I dumped all stress relief into disgusting, sinful projects that get me NOWHERE in my life, but seem to mitigate the intense amounts of insane stress I go through.

2) I even TRIED typing swears

3) If I ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER wrote anything even CLOSE, CLOSE, EVEN CLOSE, EVEN SLIGHTLY CLOSE to being obscene or harmful to a minor...please hurt me now. Please. PLEASE hurt me now. When did I EVER go against my values to the level that I did something like this!? How in the name of GOD did I ever do something like this!? I don't understand! This is plain disgusting and UGH what kind of human MONSTER am I for getting into it? EVERYTHING I TRIED TO DO WAS TO HELP MINORS AND REMAIN SOMEWHAT INNOCENT OR KIND TO PEOPLE! WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS LIKE THIS? Legal action?! Against OBSCENITY!? This is exactly what I was FIGHTING AGAINST.

FILTH IS WHAT I AM. You have NO idea how this violates me inside. I completely violated myself. DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS?

4) I ENJOYED IT. I have GROWN to enjoy this to a point that I look forward to it. SICK. Sick sick sick! I even learned new disgusting things THROUGH it. Sick sick fool!

5) This blog is proof of my sickness. Stay 15, you idiot. You know what this also means?

6) I have to stop rping. There's no way for me to hold back the old stress, the pain that I receive from old times and worlds as well as my school stress.

7) The sickest thing is that I thought I could do this and that I was simply illustrating something about love. I fell into the human trap of disgusting filth and impurity. I have grown into some swine who is immune to this, desensitizing myself. Now I'm alone again.

So alone that even the human race would convict this filth in law for violating myself.