When you're there for me...

When I am in the most pain....

When I cannot type...when I am suffering

When I am visibly choking myself, cutting myself, suffering, crying, in pain

you ask me to do things for you

For 34 minutes I was in pain

Not once did you notice. If you did notice, you didn't say anything. I kept quiet for your sake.

The moment you noticed, you were already angry. I needed music to soothe my angry ears, to soothe the pain I was feeling. I was afraid. I was afraid you would think the music was to block you out--just like my mother.

So I turned the music down and turned you all the way up so I could hear you. It was hard, it was painful, but I managed to make these movements. But you didn't notice that I absorbed every single angry word.

I told you to never ever say "you never listen to me...you never have". I will go to that world. I will go away. I don't care whatever the HELL you mean. NEVER EVER SAY THAT. I thought those words were long dead, deader than any of the other horrible things anger makes you say. As long as those words are not spoken, I may be able to come back.

I listened to every word. I tried to figure out how it was fair for you to demand of me, someone in desperate physical pain, to answer you...when you "acknowledged me" way too late. I didn't get an apology or a moment of sympathy, just anger. But I knew that, it's why I tried to be a good friend to you and to stop. These are your words:

"WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WHEN YOU DO THIS TO ME?!???????????????"

I do not put them here to critique you. I never do. I put them there because those were the words going through my head--here you are, tired, cold...getting a blanket, going to sleep, threatening me with abandonment, as I am in pain, cold, more deprived of sleep than ever, and I will not let that hurt you. I will try to let that hurt me first.

You keep leaving me all alone

And it hurts me so much.

I try to keep my crying muffled for your comfort.

I hope one day it pays off, but my heart knows that all I do is tax its beating.

How many nights will you leave me like this?

...you'll never ask either. But that's okay, I will stay silent for as long as I can so you can rest well and feel better....because that sometimes helps me too.....

It's nights like this where I feel like I must suffer.

And I have so much to do too. Deprivation for abandonment. My sister and I are very much the same.

And those who abandon do not honestly care, for even though I try to warn of my sick obsession, silently cry out and other times not so silently...it ends the same.

I know you sacrifice.....but sometimes.....those things I wish I could have and that you get so easily.....I wish so heavily....that I would not have to punish myself twice as hard for every hour of sleep you get, for every moment of rest because you just WANT to.......for every bit......I shall suffer twice as hard......if only I could entertain myself so readily.

If only I could write these to myself. If only there wasn't a limit like this.

Sweet dreams.

Realism Fail

We tried

Who me? Yes you......THEN SHUT THE HELL UP!

That's right. It's not all about you. But the best part is when we are all able to grow a DAMN BACK BONE when someone talks about us!

Yeah, that includes ME, yes I KNOW THAT. I always have---what was I just doing--? Oh YEAH, I was reacting to people judging me! Well tough luck, it's a fact of life, and I will NEVER EVER say "it's not about me" when in fact, EVERYTHING is about me when I am involved in it. That's the weakest thing to say when you have to just OWN UP to something--expect to be discussed!

WE ALL HAVE FLAWS AND WEAKNESSES---so stop making it worse by ruining lives and PUSHING THE SUBJECT AWAY FROM YOURSELF! YOU JUST MAKE OTHERS WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES FROM HOW DISTURBING IT IS!!!!

You definitely do NOT make self esteem go up, in fact, why don't we just get it over with and have you pull the damn trigger when you say it's not about you! IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT US, AND WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO OWN UP TO THAT! THE DAMN END!

Full Screen Creepy Jack?

This may be less creepy when colored. I didn't fit his jacket into the picture (Ha! JACKet!)

Why does Izz like him again? Just kidding.

WHY!?

WHY NOT!

Mouthless faces and Birthday Gifts

A word to anger

"I'm sorry I'm such a terrible friend, maybe you should get a new one"

....are you serious? There aren't even words to describe how far anger has broken even the strongest into selling pitiful weapon lines like this.