When I cannot type...when I am suffering
When I am visibly choking myself, cutting myself, suffering, crying, in pain
you ask me to do things for you
For 34 minutes I was in pain
Not once did you notice. If you did notice, you didn't say anything. I kept quiet for your sake.
The moment you noticed, you were already angry. I needed music to soothe my angry ears, to soothe the pain I was feeling. I was afraid. I was afraid you would think the music was to block you out--just like my mother.
So I turned the music down and turned you all the way up so I could hear you. It was hard, it was painful, but I managed to make these movements. But you didn't notice that I absorbed every single angry word.
I told you to never ever say "you never listen to me...you never have". I will go to that world. I will go away. I don't care whatever the HELL you mean. NEVER EVER SAY THAT. I thought those words were long dead, deader than any of the other horrible things anger makes you say. As long as those words are not spoken, I may be able to come back.
I listened to every word. I tried to figure out how it was fair for you to demand of me, someone in desperate physical pain, to answer you...when you "acknowledged me" way too late. I didn't get an apology or a moment of sympathy, just anger. But I knew that, it's why I tried to be a good friend to you and to stop. These are your words:
"WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WHEN YOU DO THIS TO ME?!???????????????"
I do not put them here to critique you. I never do. I put them there because those were the words going through my head--here you are, tired, cold...getting a blanket, going to sleep, threatening me with abandonment, as I am in pain, cold, more deprived of sleep than ever, and I will not let that hurt you. I will try to let that hurt me first.
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