Depressingly Hilarious Antics

Besides most of my self-confidence being de-railed by the possibility of spoiling my 4.0 GPA (yes I know it's a bit silly, but the fact is it's an easy Freshman class that did it to me), at least I have my mother's slips of speech to keep me laughing.

Where to begin? First my mom has a touch-screen phone on which she is learning to text. Granted, it's hard to hit the right keys, especially when texting while parked at a red light (bad mom!), but sometimes she goes over the top.

I'm used to getting "when u get out of school bab?", "you're de best", "is she taking de bus" and "Hi aexos, Cynhoa os asking if you se t ur essay to her friemd". My mother often takes on a Jamaican accent when texting, starting with turning "the" into "de". I knew Sebastion from The Little Mermaid had an influence on her love for the name.

However, one of my favorite texts came to me in the middle of a class. It simply read:

"I love pus.gorg".

Now, either my mother was trying to tell me "I love you...gorgeous" and had quite a few issues with the keys, or she was trying to confess her addiction to the pus-lovers website, pus.gorg. I mean, what is that? A form of infection fetish? I don't even want to know. Either way you know that pus websites are legitimate when you see the "dot gorg" instead of the "dot gcom".

This morning my mother runs upstairs in a desperate flurry, asking me to take off the Autumn decorations. She gasps, disappearing into her closet "I am dying here, so much to do!". My dad and I can only stare incredulously as I begin taking off the fall decorations from the stairs, only to hear her complain "My pants are too short!".

Two minutes later, she's down and says "I'd better put on some lipstick or else I'll look like a dead from the dead".

My dad catches on, laughing and saying "she just said she'd look like a dead from the dead".

My mom barely pays attention as she puts on her lipstick, saying "you know...Pam told me I should be a translator. I told her, 'if I was a translator I'd cause Third World III'".

At this point my dad's roaring laughter shook the house's structure and my mom had to make a visit to the bathroom....she heads towards the only one in the house that is not working. I mean, we wouldn't want to have Third World 3, now, would we?

My mom has done this stuff so many times before too. She turns casually to my sister, saying "hey, do you want a new hot dog?" instead of 'backpack'.

She nonchalantly mumbles whilst looking at her calendar "February is March 1st..." before getting a funny look and saying "wait, that doesn't make much sense".

She was on the phone about 20 minutes before this and is talking to her friend Nancy Blackwell. "Where is Eller located?" she asks me, as I say "Helen street between Mountain and Park".

"What?!" she gasps "I told Nancy between Mountain and Stone!". My dad laughs and says "She's definitely going to get lost. I love pus.gorg".

Her antics are so classic, even from mishearing the tiniest thing and thinking it's legitimate. I mean, at the table I like to torture my sister by calling her the stupidest thing I can think of; "Big Bart". We talk about this for hours at the table until two minutes late my mom chimes in and asks "who's Big Butt?".

I inherited only this part, unfortunately, of my mom's actual intellect. She also has amazing pronounciation problems, especially with the words "Beach" and "Sheet".

"What are you going to be for Halloween, Bill, a B*** Boy?".

"Pardon  me?".

"She meant Beach Boy".

When we discuss X-Men, she says wisely "I love that actor, Jack Human". "Who?". "Ohhhhh! Hugh Jackman!!".

"And that actor with the huskies...Scuba Diving Junior!". "You mean Cuba Gooding Junior?".

The list is endless, but I just thought I'd share. My mom's not dumb, she just slips up with her words sometimes, and today happened to be filled with them.