And then you told me that I didn't Help at All

I tried to tell you my feelings and relate to you, but you got frustrated and told me I didn't help. If only I could have had you relate to me and tell me more of your fears. I know you wanted me to discount them so heavily and I really wanted to, but right now I am plagued by my own fears of death. Adding those on to me only gave me one choice; to confide myself in you. That wasn't what you were looking for, but it was what I had.

I thought I could give you something but instead you told me not to talk about it. Then you assumed I was upset about something else just because your mind wandered from the subject. That was the end of the subject for you, but your frustration and those words really were the beginning of upsetting self-hatred for me. I don't know how to explain the pain I feel right now with you sitting there thinking I am posting.

There was one thing I was looking forward to, and with you stressed about death, this RP is going to drown. Then you told me this scene which was so important to me is going to be "two seconds". Those words have a large bearing on me and you don't realize how important they are for me. I just really cannot tell you how much this has crushed my spirit right now. I just wanted to hear "even if it's two minutes, it'll be huge, and fun, and we're going to write this scene!". Now knowing that your character is going to storm off, it's like ruining everything you told me before. You told me Terrence would stay and say things like "see he has changed" or "things are different". You also gave away the end of the fight without even giving it a chance. I don't know what to do right now. I just want to drown in my own misery and yet I really don't have any way to fix it. How can I fix this? How? There's nothing I can do for this intense pain that is inside of me.

I am not writing the post. You will be angry when you hear about it. You will be frustrated from lack of sleep. It'll probably take another 10 minutes of your patience to ask me about it. You don't know that all this pain bubbling up inside of me is from the fact that you had a frustrated outburst at me telling me that I didn't help and that you were going to die. You have no idea how those words and the way you said them hit me, and you didn't even give me a chance to discount it. You didn't say sorry for the outburst, or oh it's okay you can help somehow. Instead the words I meant to comfort you or console you were just spat back with stress and I am here taking it as it comes. HOW CAN I DO ANYTHING RIGHT!? I feel so so so so stressed and there's no way to "drag the subject back to what it was". You killed the subject in your head, it meant nothing the way you said those words, not in the way that it meant to me.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO!? What can I do? I want you to go to bed and I will make up the RP in my head, pretending the fight goes as epically as I thought. It's all I have before I get completely to messed up; to post and I can't even figure out how to work anything. Please please please please pleaseplease help me figure this out someone. The anger is going to kill me. I really don't have anything to say to your obsession with going to disease websites. It brings out my insecurities but I try not to let that plague you.

You hid it on purpose. I asked you before because I knew you were stressed and frustrated. Now. Now, what? What is there that is left for us? Nothing for me. At least you can go to sleep tonight and then there will be something for me....in my head....because the RP scene sucks and you just even said it would mean nothing. I feel like my stomach is dying. I can't do anything to fix it. Please help me someone. I really just want to feel more physical pain to make myself and other people care, but the pain is soon becoming a refuge since you just discounted this scene in the RP that I am trying so hard to imagine. What am I supposed to do!? PLEASE I HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO I AM SO TIRED OF TALKING TO THIS BLANK, FAKE SCREEN! You will be mad if I tell you I have been typing here the whole time! You haven't even asked yet. I feel like when you do you will explode. I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so scared. So so so so so so so disappointed. What is left for me!? When will comfort come!? WHEN WILL COMFORT COME!? I am so disappointed in myself right now. I risk it all.

I can't believe you asked me what was wrong. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!

Your silence is not helping me.

I wasn't helpful. I wasn't helpful. I wasn't helpful. I wasn't helping. I wasn't helping. I'm not helping. I don't help. I wasn't the least bit helpful. I'm never helpful. I don't help when you have problems. I don't help ever. I don't help. I don't. Everyone knows that. It's not just me berating myself, everyone tells me. When it comes to the time of need, I don't help. I just make it worse. I just make people not want to hear.

Stupid idiot. Didn't help at all. Wasted a golden moment.